I have spoken with several women over the years; that have met what they believe to be their ideal partner. The man they want to progress their relationship with and build a future together. However, there is just one small road block that hinders the perfect future and is preventing the happy ever after dream coming to fruition.
He, for whatever reason, does not see children as part of his future. Yet, for her, it’s an overwhelming desire and forms part of the vision of how she wants life to look and cannot picture a life without children.
She is then confronted with one of the biggest life-changing decisions about the future. Maybe it is something that can be ignored in the short term however eventually the topic will need to be resolved.
I Want Kids and He Doesn’t – What Should I Do?
To answer this sensitive question–we sought out experts within the Relationship and Counselling arena to provide their insights and assistance for women confronted with this dilemma.
Samantha Jayne is a Relationship Expert and Advisor to Network 10’s The Bachelor and says: ‘Family values are fundamental to the success of a relationship and that includes having a child.
If you feel strongly about having a child and your partner doesn’t then no matter how many beautiful holidays you go on, or romantic dinners you enjoy together there will always be a void if your need for having a child is not fulfilled. As time goes on and the opportunity to have a child declines, resentment could develop and eventually the relationship could end.
For a relationship to be fulfilling it needs to meet your fundamental needs.
This happens with aligned values and similar goals. If, in your heart, you really want to have a child I think it’s best to part ways on good terms before it’s too late look for someone who wants the same things as you do. Go and fulfill your dream of having a family’.
|Scientist turned love guru Samantha is THE Expert when it comes to Love and Attraction. She is the go-to girl in the dating industry. Intrigued by the science of attraction, Samantha has studied human behavior, love psychology, love languages, and is accredited in one of the most powerful behavioral profiling tools on the planet. Her passions are with helping strong, intelligent women attract and keep the man of their choice by showing them. You can find out more about Samantha at Samantha Jayne|
Cameron Aggs is a Clinical Psychologist and his advice is: ‘My basic advice would be to finish the relationship – as hard as that sounds. I think trying to have kids with a partner who doesn’t want them is a recipe for heartache. There are very few issues where compatibility on a topic is non-negotiable. I believe this is one. In my opinion, you are better to find someone with whom you share similar values as it relates to children, and to let the other person do likewise. Human flourishing is not an easy thing to achieve, and sometimes it takes brave decisions. My advice is that if you are willing to work hard to find the right person, then you should have confidence in your capacity to attract someone who will reflect your deepest values’.
|Cameron is a Clinical Psychologist and one of Australia’s foremost Mindfulness training specialists. He has honed his finely tuned clinical expertise over 5000 hours in 1:1 sessions. Cameron provides Skype and in-person consultation for a small number of individuals seeking greater psychological and interpersonal flourishing. Cameron’s method includes a thorough formulation of his client’s issues, goals and strengths. His approach to working with individuals, couples and teams is supportive, engaging and empowering. He can be contacted at Be Mindful|
Emily is an International Coach, Author and Speaker and says: ‘Here’s the reality of the situation. It’s a pretty life changing decision. I mean, we’re not talking paint swatches for the spare bedroom. It’s not something to be compromised on. It’s a baby. And some people don’t want them. Ever.
Some people grow into the idea over time of course. A 24-year-old might say he doesn’t want children, but in 10 years’ time it might be a different story. Life changes after-all. But we have to be aware that it might not be a different story, he might never want children.
Now this isn’t a problem until your ovaries start singing out. And then it sucks because you’ve found real love with an awesome guy and he’s ticking all the boxes. Apart from the baby box. And it’s a big box. A baby isn’t something you should miss out on and you want to know it’s really going to happen and he can’t guarantee you that.
It’s time for an honest conversation and be open to the idea that you’re on different paths and want different things. At any time in a relationship, we need to be true to ourselves, our wants and needs and respect those of others.
In an ideal world, boy and girl would meet, fall hopelessly in love and organically melt into a beautiful relationship which moves gently with the tide of time to commitment, marriage and babies. But we all know that life has a different sense of humour and so every now and then, we find that as individuals, we’re moving to different tides and sometimes, we end up at different shores.
The thing is, you and your partner can be the definition of #relationshipgoals but if your timelines and destination aren’t compatible, hearts are going to be broken and lives lived unfulfilled. Settling, pretending or compromising on something like children is an absolute no in my world’.
|Emily’s love of writing started with her love of reading as a child and as she’s grown up (if not taller) she has honed her passion of writing. She adores sharing everything she knows and finds that written word is a wonderful way to do just that. Originally from London, Emily now lives in Melbourne where she has become a self-pronounced coffee snob! She works internationally as a coach, author and speaker. You can find out about Emily That Crazy Thing Called Love|
Desh Dixon is a motivational speaker and Author and said ‘First of all, knowing whether or not your partner wants kids is a conversation that should’ve occurred during the dating phase, not the exclusive phase. Communication is important. Knowing who you are and what you want prior to entering a relationship is paramount. If a woman got into a relationship with a man ASSUMING he wanted kids and later on found out he doesn’t, she has to face that unfortunate reality. But she should’ve asked questions before getting into a relationship with him. My advice to her would be to be honest with herself about whether or not having kids is important. If that is important to her, then she DESERVES to be with someone who wants kids as well. Forcing someone to want something they don’t want and you sticking around hoping they might change their mind is a waste of time. Life is too short. There’s no need to sugarcoat anything. Too many women are putting themselves and their desires on the back burner and settling – I’m not a fan of that.
If a woman got into a relationship with a man that initially said he wanted kids and later on changed his mind, my advice is essentially the same. You cannot force someone to want something they do not want. Why would you want to have a child with a man who doesn’t want to be a father? You’re setting yourself and the child up for disappointment. An honest, genuine conversation needs to happen between her and her partner. She has a right to ask questions like…what made him change his mind? Having a deep conversation with sincerity can help get him to open up about what may have changed his mind. Regardless, he is a human being. People grow and evolve. If he no longer wants that, it is not her job to force it upon him’.
|Not one to back down from challenging the status quo, Desh is a star in her own right. According to theory, she’s a “social introvert”. Blah Blah Blah… Bring on the thrills! She enjoys reading, writing, the performing arts, travel, and adventure. She is available for motivational speaking and poetry. Visit her at Dream Encourager|
One important factor to keep in mind– if your partner has been open and honest and told you from the onset that he does not want children then you have to respect his words. It is unlikely that one day he will change his mind. Men say it because they mean it–not to test your will against theirs.
Some women that choose to stay with their partner under these circumstances feel grief when they reach the point of knowing they won’t be able to have children. To hopefully avoid waking up one day and feeling that loss, take the time now to consider your future.
Some questions that may help you in reaching your decision:
- Does the thought of not having children feel like a compromise / loss?
- Would you consider having children without a partner?
- How do you feel when you see women/friends with babies/children?
- Do you often think about having children or does it seldom enter your thoughts?
- Really look at your relationship and consider how you would feel if your partner was no longer in your life?
- Is having children more important to you than your partner?
- Or is your partner more important to you than kids?
No one can tell you what is right for you. It’s up to you to choose the direction for you, reaffirm to yourself and not look back in wonder.
If you need further assistance – anyone of the above specialist are available to help provide the guidance you may be seeking.