If you are looking for a positive, inspiring post that involves a motivating speech and ends with a key takeaway, keep flicking, sister; this is not the article for you.
Now that I’ve made that perfectly clear, let’s get to it. What the actual fuck?
I write this on behalf every single Victorian who has been locked up in their homes for what is now an obscene amount of time. Unless of course you have taken advantage of the partner rule and are combining it with swiping action. If so, well done, you.
Let me do a quick recap of the single life in 2020:
January Fuck, yes. Bring on 2020, I am making this year my bitch and I’m going to smash out goals.
February My tan is looking good, the summer days are long and there is much fun being had with friends. I’m dating up a storm and there’s no shortage of potential. Table dancing is still a thing and Karaoke is certainly not dead.
Beginning of March There’s a lot of talk about this corona thing. Forget toilet paper, singles head to the bottle shop to stock up.
End of March Locked down! Turns out the corona thing is kind of serious! The smarty parts of the world go into a form of lock in. It’s normal to see people leaving offices carrying screens and keyboards.
This is a Government announcement: Do not wear a mask! There is no mask requirement. A mask can’t save you. I repeat, do not wear a mask; leave them for healthcare workers!
Social distance! That means maintain a 1.5 metre distance from other people to prevent the spread. People with their arms outstretched to either side, demonstrating what this means to the clueless non-conformers have become a common sight.
April Happy Lock-in-Easter! You aren’t going anywhere! The Easter Bunny can’t get a flight into Australia and has decided to take the year off. Little do we know, we will be, too.
Hugging, touching and being within a 1.5 metre radius of others are all officially banned unless you live in the same household. Except, of course, if you have a Tinder date, in which case, go your hardest.
Then we have the travellers and returning residents. 14 day quarantine. Translation: Do not leave your room for 14 days, your meals will be brought to you. I repeat, do not leave your hotel room. There is not fine print saying it’s fine to have sex with the security guard down the hall; or an exemption if there’s a shopping centre really close by. No you cannot exercise on a whim.
The Australian marketing team keeps telling us, “We are all in this together”. We all feel assured and take some comfort in that.
Winking at a hottie is still a thing!
May OMG, well done, Victoria! That Covid-19 bitch has been run out of town by clever, sensible, responsible Victorians.
June Victorians break free. Singles are dancing in the streets (at a new socially acceptable distance). Zoom is being deleted from thousands of devices. Those ridiculous Zoom dates we tried to make the best of are a distant nightmare. We can dine out with six people—that’s enough for most of us, the rest are usually excess. Restaurants and bars are doing table service—who really wanted to stand at the bar to order anyway? Social distance is the new norm, but a smile and a sneaky wink to the next table still does the trick.
Face-to-face dating is back in style. Dating apps are getting a pounding and the future is rosy.
July Oh, you silly, smug Victorians. Goodbye freedom, hello couch. Back to lockdown. Hi ho, hi ho, back to fucking Zoom we go!
This is a Government announcement: We suggest you wear a mask.
Hotel quarantiners: Huh! What? Whadda ya mean I can’t have sex with a security guard? I didn’t talk to anyone while I was at the shop and I walked the path less travelled.
Smiling and winking are no longer effective. Masks render non-verbal flirting useless—a wink is just a twitch if you can’t see the smile.
This is a government announcement: Do not leave the house without a mask! I repeat, do not leave the house without a mask! You will be arrested without a mask!
For the singles who were quick and smart enough to secure an ‘intimate partner’ prior to lockdown 2.0 are in a honeymoon phase on steroids.
Victoria is officially boycotted by the rest of Australia. The marketing team are working overtime to find a new slogan because we’re clearly no longer “all in this together”.
August This is a Government announcement: Nope just trickin’. No hope, just sadness!
No dates because Zoom sucks and most people are struggling to work off the Covid-curves they grew during lockdown 1.0.
September 13 You poor little naïve soul! Yes, you stayed home; wore a mask; only took the single hour of exercise; adhered to your 8:00pm bedtime; and marched to Dan Andrews’ tune but this Covid-19 bitch doesn’t know when to quit. Sorry / not sorry to disappoint.
This is a Government announcement: There is no freedom on the horizon, but we’ll throw you a bone…. If you are single you are now granted permission to see ONE other person (insert applause and take a moment to embrace how lucky you are).
Plus, you wee souls, you may now exercise for an additional hour per day. Yes, that’s two hours outside in the glorious Victorian weather. But keep those curves moving, we said exercise, people! If you don’t keep moving you’ll be going home in the back of a divvy van. Do not gather in groups. Wear a mask at all times. We’re watching you, newbie runners—shuffling is not running, get the mask back on.
P.S. You can now stay up till 9pm. You’re welcome. That bitch Covid-19 was happy to comply.
Bubble partners are now a thing. Adverts start appearing on dating apps as singles search for a bubble partner. Things are looking up.
Freedom is now defined as venturing beyond your 5 km radius to see your chosen Bubble friend. Well aren’t they the lucky ONE!
This is a Government Announcement: All bubble people must wear a mask at all times! I repeat, if you are with one other person, both must be wearing a mask. You must still wear a mask when visiting an intimate partner but please conduct intimate matters as you normally would. Refer to the Government website for guidelines.
Singles who hooked up between lockdowns 1.0 and 2.0 have progressed through the honeymoon phase at warp speed and are now essentially old married couples. As a result, the way their partner looks, talks, walks, eats and breathes pisses them off.
The rest of Australia is partying in secret, hoping that Victorians haven’t cottoned on to the fact that life is pretty much normal out there. “Oh, and could Victoria please hurry up and get their shit together?”
Dating is now officially dead. Singles have lost hope but are comforted they have ONE lucky bubble person to download on! Their Bubble buddy considers calling in sick…
At this point it feels like the 4 more weeks of lockdown will end in July-never. As I said earlier, I don’t have an inspiring message of positivity and hope, but I do suggest that now could be the time to take off those covid-curves.
PS Freshen up your dating profile – you are going to have some serious dating to do when this is done!