When it comes to initial attraction, we don’t really have a choice in the matter. That is, we don’t actually choose who we are attracted to. Yep, life can be illogical. It also challenges the notion of free will. We uncover why attraction isn’t a choice and what you can do about it.

Of course we can choose to say yay or nay about going out on a date with someone or furthering a relationship, but it’s not until we get into a relationship that we find out whether the person we are attracted to will be a complement or a clone.

Complement versus Clone

Put simply, there is an inherent reason why you have been attracted to another person in the first place and that’s because there’s always something to be learned. But if destiny has its way with you, then a complement tends to be better than a clone (the male or female version of yourself) because that person will give you the tools and teachings that you don’t necessarily have to expand and grow. And that’s what you need to have more of and vice-versa.

However, if you do date your clone, there wouldn’t necessarily be as much to learn. You might even butt heads not too long down the track. By the same token, that’s not to say it wouldn’t work. I know of partners who are quite similar and have been happily married for umpteen years.

But being in a fulfilling relationship with a partner who has inherent gifts, talents and resources available in themselves that you don’t necessarily have is why the universe has brought you two together – so that you can embrace those things that you need to grow with. That way, you are evolving on a more accelerated path. So in every chance meeting and relationship that you have, when you get together with someone else, it’s to learn.

Chemistry versus Connection

As mentioned earlier, we can make a choice as to whether we want to date someone, but there is either inherent chemistry or there isn’t. If there is, it will either start to build once you start dating or it will dissolve. That’s the remarkable thing about chemistry, which is basically just chemical reactions going off, yet true love is a lot deeper than that.

In order for love to grow, it needs to be nurtured and tended to like a garden. Some people say they are deeply connected to another and at the end of the day, you’ve got to come back to your core values and ask why you are in a relationship with this person. So many people get hooked on chemistry and honeymoon periods where they date one person for a while and it’s all wonderful, but its drug-like effect wears off and then you break up.

The reality is – true love takes work!

Yes, there is a difference between attraction, chemistry and deeply loving, connected relationships that last the distance. Regardless, the question you need to ask is: Are you growing and evolving as a person? That’s because true intimacy is allowing yourself to be fully embraced by the love between you and your partner and not being fearful of showing who you are to each other. The thing is a lot of people run away from love.

The reality is that true love takes work – working on yourself and being patient. Nowadays I believe that we want solutions too quickly and want things to happen in an instant, especially when it comes to relationships. And if we get bored, we think it’s not the right person and leave them – until we meet someone else. If you continually have this approach, it will happen again and again. But there will be a point in your life where that will start to feel empty.

Interestingly, arranged marriages in India have more of a success rate than regular marriages do in Western culture because Indian couples work on love; they don’t necessarily buy into the whole attraction thing. They realise that love is something that can be nurtured and cultivated rather than manufactured through chemistry alone.

Judgement versus Non-Judgement

Not judging and completely accepting who the other person is, including their life passion, is a true and unconditional acceptance of another. That means you aren’t endlessly seeking out someone who shares your passion and ardent interests, but instead you are supportive of their passion as they are of yours.

You also need to have similarly aligned values and beliefs, as well as being on the same page, including things like integrity, treating each other like absolute gold, wanting the same things from life (for instance, you both want kids), plus have implicit trust within yourselves and the relationship. These are the sorts of things that you need to establish sooner than later.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that in some respects it’s good to have a partner who shares some of the same things that you do, but what also keeps it interesting are the differences. The more we help to sharpen each other, the faster we grow and evolve as human beings.


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