So you thought you found the one, maybe you did, maybe you even married him, or perhaps you were getting close. But over time, he’s turned out not to be the person you thought he was. Cracks are showing in his prince charming armour, revealing parts of his personality that you have started to question, or that feel uncomfortable to you. His behaviour has changed, or is it just that now you see him for who he truly is?
The fact is that we have all been there. When we first meet our new beau, we are ruled by our hormones. Oxytocin combines with dopamine and testosterone to create a powerful love cocktail but when this wears off, we are faced with reality and this is when we can begin to see our loved one as who they really are, warts and all.
In healthy, functioning relationships, this is where the real work starts – when you knuckle down, nut out your differences and start to build your (real) life together. In the majority of cases, this is the norm, however, in some instances, there are some very clear indications that it is time to say goodbye. In my experience, there are some common deal breakers that indicate it may be time to move on:
TOP 4 DEAL BREAKERS:
ALCOHOL & DRUGS
Often at the start of a relationship, we may enjoy a few drinks with our new partner – it can help to ease nerves and facilitate the conversation. However, if alcohol and/or drugs are a regular feature of your relationship, or your partner has a habit he can’t kick, then it’s time to nip it in the bud. Alcohol and drugs have a whole set of side effects can inhibit the growth of a healthy functioning relationship and so it is important to seek professional help.
We all like to feel in control of our lives and of our choices, but if your partner exhibits controlling behaviour, take note. Controlling behaviour can be very subtle and express itself in many ways. It can include; restricting your access to your friends, expressing a preference over how you dress or behave or even how you speak. My advice is to listen to your gut. Controlling behaviour carries with it a strong feeling of discomfort. It is essentially someone stepping over your boundaries. What’s important is to speak up and explain that this is not OK with you. If this continues, then it might be time to end the relationship.
‘Controlling behaviour can be very subtle and express itself in many ways’ – MELISSA FERRARI
ANGER AND VIOLENCE
If your partner has ever used physical force to hit you or lash out, then this is a clear warning sign you need to remove yourself from the situation. Your partner will need to seek professional help to change his behaviour. Sometimes, anger and violence can be less obvious – it can be verbal, through the use of hurtful words or indirectly aggressive, such as throwing an object or breaking something. It can sometimes be hard to leave, especially if your partner is remorseful afterwards but a violent relationship has no future.
Committed, healthy relationships are based on trust. If your partner lies to you, it shows a lack of respect for you as a person and for the relationship, you have together. From hiding spending habits, telling lies about where he is or who he is with, lies can de-rail trust. We all want to feel we are in a secure and loving relationship, but if your partner is lying to you, it may be time to move on and find the partner you deserve.