For those that are just setting out exploring the Narcissist Relationship, there is four distinct Phases that apply to a Relationship with Narcissist.
Stage 1: Love bombing
Stage 2: Devalue Stag
Stage 3: Discard
Stege 4: Recovery
What I am going to shout from the rooftops today, is how important Phase 4 – Recovery is for your future.
Why do I make such a statement?
I have experienced this, and unfortunately did not recover fully for a very long time, which is why I am going to ensure you do! I was in Phase 4 – Recover phase, for too long. I was Divorced and had moved on to another relationship, yet I didn’t feel as confident, as ambitious, or as content as I was before my relationship with my narcissistic husband.
I did seek help immediately my marriage broke down, but sadly I didn’t find the right therapist, who truly understood what I had experienced. From my first-hand experience, coupled with observations from many of my beautiful clients, these are the three most common tips, to expedite you through recovery to emerge ready to step into your best, most successful, confident and powerful self, the one you know is hiding somewhere deep inside you.
My 3 Top Tips to Expedite Recovery:
1. Seek Help
Seeking help is so important following a relationship breakdown with a Narcissist. What’s even more important is finding the right help. Determining if you need to see a therapist should form part of determining the next steps forward for you. Once you have reached this decision – how do you choose the right therapist?
Here’s a simple tip: You should have an indication after two sessions if they are a good fit for what you need. If you are not feeling a shift within you, then potentially it’s not the right fit. A good therapist will have you working, getting to the core of the issues that you feel you may have, and help you unpack any immediate questions swirling around in your head. If you don’t feel you are moving forward -its’ OK to find another therapist.
2. Don’t Talk Incessantly About Your Relationship to Friends or Family
You might find this piece of advice confusing and contradictory to other advice you have heard, namely that you should be talking to your closest friends and family about your break up. Whilst it is important with a normal break up, it differs when dealing with a Narcissist. They are chameleons. They may be cruel and cunning to us behind closed doors, yet to our friends and family, they present as the most charming, perfect partner. Sometimes – our friends and family simply don’t get your ex is a narcissist. Only you know the true person, hiding behind their glossy exterior.
As many narcissists are extremely successful, quite often you are walking away from a life of money & glamour, or so it may appear on the outside. This can confuse your friends and family, as they are not aware of, or don’t understand the emotional abuse that you may have endured.
The fact is, why would anybody choose to leave a relationship particularly if there are children involved? Keep your head high and know you are doing the right thing for you and your children. Keep the deep stuff for your therapist – who is qualified to assist.
3. Make Time for YOU!
When we have found the courage to leave a relationship with a Narcissist, once free we can feel so depleted and exhausted, we question if we have the energy to get through this. At this point, frequently we begin to listen to our inner critic who tells us how ‘Stupid’ we were to get involved with a narcissist and question how we didn’t see the red flags.
If this is you – STOP – right now. What you need is self-love AND lots of it. If your friend was in a crisis you would offer her your love, your comfort right? Well do that for yourself and start right now.
Why, oh why would we not want the feeling of a cosy blanket versus the sharp sting of a rawhide whip? You need to wrap yourself in love, particularly nursing a broken heart. Lather yourself in love! Have massages, take long walks in nature and spoil yourself with long hot baths. A hot bath can erase a world of anxiety. Your nervous system is probably shot, so your inner hard-wiring needs as much nurturing as your broken heart does.
Lastly, I highly recommend purchasing the wonderful book ‘Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff.’ It changed my perspective on recovering from a relationship and highly recommend it.
I would like to end this article by having you understand one important fact – You are enough exactly as you are!