My friend Danni was working on healing her broken heart. She became a regular scanner of www.match.com, as she was determined to meet her next boyfriend, and quickly. She had been on several 1st dates however hadn’t made it to that many 2nd dates. It all changed, when she met Ben.Danni was convinced her luck had finally been turned around. Ben’s first contact with Danni expressed the instant connection he felt while looking at her profile. They exchanged numbers within days and Ben immediately started to call and text daily.
For their first date, he arrived with a beautiful bunch of flowers. He booked dinner at an exclusive restaurant and was thick with compliments. He was overly eager to plan a 2nd date and removed his profile from www.match.com.au that evening. Danni was overly excited that she had found the new boyfriend she was looking for.
After their first date Ben continued to call daily and tried to see Danni as often as possible. In one of their conversations Danni mentioned she was painting her spare bedroom. He saw this as a perfect opportunity to spend more time together and made it over to her place in record time to help. “Wow” she gushed to me, as she was shopping for a new aftershave and a more fashionable shirt for him …“Yes, WOW” I said – “what’s wrong with him? Why is he so needy and desperate for love? And more importantly – why isn’t it freaking you out?!” Danni didn’t see it that way. She liked not having to worry “does he like me or not.”
Danni and Ben moved very quickly in the relationship. Not only did she have a boyfriend she also got a permanent roommate. I was surprised at the speed of the relationship but began to realise that what had happened was – Needy had just met Needy.
Danni suggested he start working out, whiten his teeth, remove his tattoo and revamp his wardrobe. Most men would start packing, but Ben was more than compliant and eager to please.
With the external transformation of Ben almost complete, it coincided with the end of the ‘honeymoon phase’. Danni slowly realized that maybe her search for ‘certainty’ cannot erase or replace her need for a true connection.
Danni admitted that Ben’s constant availability for her every need started to become suffocating and irritating, rather than sweet and comforting. His agreement with all of her opinions had gone from “look at how much we have in common” to “don’t you have an opinion of your own?” She didn’t even feel that special anymore, as she noticed his need to please wasn’t just exclusive to her.
As Danni’s personal growth reignited, she quickly outgrew the relationship and ended it with Ben.
Their relationship got me thinking. Is it possible for a Needy person to have longevity with Non-Needy?
Over drinks with another couple, who I had viewed as ‘A lot of attention’ and ‘High Maintenance’, I was asked what is the key to longevity in a relationship? I answered “Having freedom and independence within the relationship.” The guy laughed and replied “Ha! I am too needy for that! I need someone as needy as I am who will want to spend as much time with me as possible. That’s why our relationship is a perfect match.”
2 things about his response surprised me:
- He knew he was needy
- After 2 years and a lot of togetherness and still ‘honeymoon’ happy, maybe he had a point and his theory had some credibility
Maybe I had it wrong with my Needy theory and the relationship can work, however there are a few things that will stifle growth – new found confidence and independence. As long as these are kept in check you might just have a shot at it.
If the needy type is someone you want to avoid or want to avoid becoming keep these RED FLAGS in mind
- Available ALL the time and wants to spend every possible minute together from the 1st date
- Talks long term within a week
- Rarely has an independent opinion
- Lets you speak poorly to them and doesn’t complain. In fact apologises for upsetting you
- Has a very small social network
Until next time!